Friendship as a divorced woman: an interview
A friend of mine went through a divorce a few years ago, so I asked her about her experiences of friendship post divorce and whether her friendships have changed as a result.
Were your friends a support to you during your divorce?
Yes, in the main, but it was difficult for them to understand what I was going through as they weren't going through the same experience. Some friends surprise you, some disappoint you, but in general, people are supportive.
Have you kept your old friends since divorce?
Yes, I have kept true friends, although some who were associated with us as a couple have fallen by the wayside. It can be difficult for a couple to be friends with both parties post divorce, as the couple don't want to upset anyone so have to be tactful. It can be difficult not to offend someone along the way, by leaving them out of an invitation because the ex is invited.
Have you made new friends since divorce?
Yes, slowly. I have mainly made new friends from hobbies - going to the gym etc, and work. I find it easier to make friends with other single people, and if they too are divorced they understand where I am coming from. I find that single people are more up for going out and doing things as they don't have the restrictions of being a couple, they are often in the mindset of wanting to go out and do things. They also have shared experiences with me of divorce, going on dates etc.
Have you changed your lifestyle since divorce?
My lifestyle has changed gradually. It has not consciously changed, but it has evolved over time. I have put more effort into different areas of my life and have made the effort to chat to people when at a class etc. If we get on well I may invite them for a coffee, and friendship has grown from there.
Have you taken on new hobbies?
As the kids get older I have more time to take up hobbies, but I still spend a lot of time with the family as they give me a lot of pleasure and I do not have other family support networks close by that I can call on for help.
What is the best thing about divorce?
Personally, I have felt liberated by divorce and it is allowing me to do what I alone want to do. I am enjoying this new phase of my life.
Are you lonely/ missing companionship since divorce?
I am not a particularly 'lonely' person, I enjoy my own company. But of course there are times when you feel lonely, it is almost part of the divorce process to go through. Divorce is not the same as bereavement, obviously - I can't begin to understand what it is like to lose a close partner, but divorce follows a similar process. It is a period of readjustment, of reinvention and with that comes positives and not so positive experiences.
Do you have a full social life since divorce?
It has taken time to build a full social life since divorce. You cannot expect it to happen overnight and you have to work hard at it. Don't wait for your social life to come to you. You have to create your own social life with likeminded people.
What are you looking for in friends?
I look for other women of a similar age, who are like minded and have energy, an appetite for life. I don't want to be surrounded by people who are negative and feel that their life is over.
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